Have been very busy with my revision. I was down with fever and tonsilitis(I think that's how it is spelled...) since Sunday. My head feels heavy. It's like a fat woman sitting on my head! Couldn't bear the excrutiating pain whenever I swallow my saliva. Tonsilitis is hell! Don't ever get yourself this because you will feel like you are going to die. I thought of going for an operation to remove it. I got tonsilitis thrice within 8 months! That's when fever kicks in. Argh! I need someone to hug me.. To show me love.. Haiz.. Nvm.. Just not the time yet. Recently, I had this strange dream. There's this guy kissing me in a theatre. I can't see the guy's face clearly. It was so real. I could feel his lips on mine. All of a sudden, the song 'Harapan' sang by Fazli Zainal, played.. And then the dream fade. Can anyone tell me what this dream means?

I don't know if you think the same way as I do but I think that sweet dreams do come true. So hoping for that special kiss.. *singing*Some people wait a life time for a moment like this..

Exam's coming in a week's time and I haven't started revising. Books that are piling near my bed are collecting dust. Feel like my whole life is falling apart. Friends are around me when I need them. I thank them a lot for trying their very best to put me at ease. Still, I don't know why I feel like something is missing in my life. I'm sure he has successfully forgotten about me. I mean 100%, and here I am, still waiting for a miracle to happen. "What are doing Shahirah?" I keep on asking myself that. All I want is to forget him but why is it so hard? I don't face difficulties like this when I try to forget someone. But this time, it really challenges me to the extreme that I want to lose everything. If not for mum and my best friend, I would feel like this life is useless.

My life has been very hectic and stressful because of school and career. I want both of it. It's just a matter of whether I can balance the two. I love to perform but I can't forget about my studies. Studies is important to me. I would say that the Malay community(especially makciks, in general) always emphasise on our qualifications. Some may not agree to it but this is what we are facing now. If you are studying in ITE, they(the makciks) will go "Oh. ITE eh?" but when you are studying in poly they will go, "Wow! That's good!" I don't understand why. They have sort of set a certain standard for us and that's unfair for those who are studying in ITE. Doesn't mean you are in ITE you can't be successful. That's bullshit. Totally.

Recently, I went to an engagement lunch at the foyer where I live. Mak pengantin suddenly asked me, "Bila awak punya turn?" which means when is my turn to get married in Bahasa. I was speechless. I just giggled and smiled at her, blushing. Hello, I'm not ready to get married! Moreover, I'm single. Who am I going to marry? It happened again when mum's long lost friend asked the same question. What's going on? Maybe it's a tradition that the elders will start asking that question to girls at my age. Please, I'm still young and still want to have fun. Getting married at this age is out of the question for me. No way I'm going to be a young parent!

Also recently, two guys whom I have no idea who they are, messaged me. Strange things are happening in my life. There are so many challenges I have to face. I hope I can endure all these challenges that God has given me. Amin.

How I wish I could turn back time.. That's all I wish for.. Can someone knock me down on the street so that I will lose my memory? Haiz... Why is it so hard to forget him?! I'm really trying my best to get him out of my head. He i still in my heart. If only someone could operate my heart and get him out of it... Feeling weak day after day but still putting on a mask so that people around me won't be worried about me. Even if I confide to my best friend and mum about this, it will not change the situation. 'There are a lot of guys out there who are better than him', this is what they said to me. Yup, it's true but things will be different. I'm just hoping that special someone can mend my broken heart. Still waiting for that person but don't know who..

I have to go through this by myself. This silent war has to end in some ways. I don't want to suffer just because of a guy.

Never thought that things are going haywire now. I was taken aback by what he tod my friend about me. I was fucked up with him. He messed up with the wrong person. HE LIED ABOUT WHAT HE SAID ABOUT HER AND TRYING TO PUT ME IN THE WRONG! Who will not get fucked up about that! Abeh nak step big fuck ah.. He told her that he 'main baju'. Those who know this term will understand what I mean. Please ah boy, don't spoil their reputation alright. Kalau dah mat rep, jangan nak step main baju. Silap-silap kene pukul ngan diorang. Tak balik modal tau. Think before you say anything. About making enemies, I'm not the type to do that. I don't like things to be this way just because I pissed u off from top to bottom. Tak logik ah boy. You are 1 year my senior, you should be taking things easy. Takkan pasal ni pun you nak putuskan persahabatan ni. Don't be a small kid. Yang dah sudah tu sudah. Haiz..

How I wish I could turn back time and make a wise decision. All I could feel now is guilt, guilt and guilt. To Doll, I'm really sorry for everything. I don't know what I was thinking. Shouldn't get myself in his trap. All his lies. I feel so sorry for you. I just don't understand how you can still be with him even though u knew that he is a playboy! Yes, it's because of love. Love really makes people blind! But gerl, I pity you a lot. You r a sweet girl and by looking at the pic, he doesn't deserve you. You deserve way better guys than him. Haiz.. It's your choice. I'm jus telling you how I feel about your relationship.

Totally, 0% feelings for him. But I have another problem. I can't forget about the Brunei guy. That one is real love. Should I wait for him? Or should I just move on and give chances to the guys who have been waiting for me? Someone got my number. His name is Rizan. He told me that he got my number from his friend, Firin. I was like, "Who the hell is that?" I don't have a friend who's name is Firin. Freaked out for a moment. Who knows he's the guy whom I met at the Esplanade last year. Got tattoo all over his body. Find that cool! HAHA! It's like Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock! Except for my B-cup boobs. Pamela's is a DD-cup, I think.. What the heck! Imagine if I'm dating a guy who's like that. I said IMAGINE.. My parents will be freaking the hell out of their shoes man! HAHA! Wonder how they will look like... Hmm...

FINALLY! I got to meet my old classmates from my secondary school yesterday! The long wait was over yesterday. Fid and I met Saliza at Cityhall mrt station. That was a surprised for me coz it's been 5 months since I met her. Missed her to death! Too busy with school, that's the reason why! We went to Vivocity to meet up. Damn I felt good! Fid and I went there earlier coz our stomach were playing drums. We end up at Banquet with fid having Yong Tau Foo while I ate Fried kway teow. The taste wasn't that bad but Fid's food tasted real bad. I mean it sucks to the core! I wonder how she could finish it all up! Bad taste, girl!

Wana and Raudah arrived shortly before we got our food. Guess who's late? My other 'twin'. Syaherah.. But we knew that she's arrived by her voice. Loud Speaker Babe! The whole of Banquet could hear her voice. HAHAHA! Once she arrives, eyes are all on her. Coz she will be the one talking and talking and talking and she will never stop until someone cuts short her conversation! That's what keeps our friendship alive. I missed the secondary school days. Where we used to do stupid things, make teachers cry(That's so true!) and breaking the school rules!

We will be goin to play pool at Marine Parade dis Wednesday after 1pm. So looking forward to it! It's near our home and it's cheap! $3+ per hour! I gtg. Got test today at 4.30pm! Wish me luck!=)

Here are some photos we took at vivo! Enjoy!

Wana, aka kucing... Meow... Hahaha! Funny girl..

Sya, our one and only loud hailer... We can't live without her!

Lastly, me! HAHA! Model tak menjadi! Dun have the height and the looks. Haiz.. Anyway, we really had a lot of fun! Thank you gals! Love you gals lots! muackz!

Euphoric. Dats how I feel for the past 2 days till today... Became friends with him. I still love him, alright! Just couldn' shake that off! HAHA! "Rela ku menunggumu seribu tahun lama lagi... Tapi benarkah hidup aku 'kan selama ini... Biar berputar-putaran selatan, ku tak putus harapan, sedia setia..." I will wait for you even if you are going for your National Service.

Really, I will wait for you...

I keep on thinking of him. It still fresh btw.. Haiz... 'I gotta forget about him.. I gotta foret about him..' I will keep on saying this till I can forget him.. It's hard for me to do that. He made me fell in love with him. I don't know what made him dump me. It's not clear. He wasn't being transparent with it. WTF! I admit that I still have feelings for him even though I told him, "Hati I dah tawar ngan u!" I was so furious and confused as to why he did this to me.

I told mum and my best friend(Fid) about the problem yet it's so hard to shake it off from my head! Why? Can somebody tell me why? It's bothering me. How I wish I was being knocked down on the street and lose my memory.. I'm just an asshole! I should have just befriends with him first before going into a relationship. Just imagine, you were single for more than 3 years because of waiting for the Brunei guy. Then along came this guy who wanted to light up your life and you thought that he might mend your roken heart. But in the end, it's like a double blow for you. You get hurt twice but from two different people in two different scenarios. By far, this is the most complicated relationship I have ever been into. So fucked up by that incident.

Anyway, Fid and I went to Marina Square to shop. I chanced upon this particular T-shirt which has a print. It says, "Men are like commercials, you can't believe a word they say." I quickly grabbed that and paid for it. I find that so true. I mean, in general. So girls, what do you think of this statement? Do you agree? Share your opinions with me!

Things happened so drastically... Haiz... It happened so fast. I felt like the world is like a whirlpool. I gotta learn from my mistakes... We just hurt each other and in the end we decided to break up. Mum was so glad I made that decision! I'm happy that it's over. I wondered, what if I'm still with him? I think I will suffer more... I cried, I was unwell all the time because I think of him. Don't want to use his name coz I'm trying to forget him. I do believe in karma. I did that to one of my ex before and it's now happening to me. Mum noes how I went through this ordeal. She kept me company till 3 a.m. Sigh... I just want to start afresh.

Funny when she mentioned about the guy whom I love and will still be in my heart after he disappeared more than 3 years ago. He migrated to Brunei. I don't know how to contact him. Argh! Should I wait for him? I'm so confused! Abg Shahrin told me the other day, "There are two ways of living: to live and move on with what you have or to live and get what you want in life".

Give me your opinion about this. I do need it.