I had a sudden feel of blogging in the wee hours of Thursday.. Why am I so fucking stupid to look at my bf's ex's profile.. I even had the guts to actually check each and every thing in my bf's profile. AND that photo. Ok, maybe I'm over-reacting with all these, I juzt don't know why the HELL I go see that freaking photo in his profile!!! What? I'm being suspicious of that fucking photo?! I admit that I'm fucking jealous.. How would you feel if ur partner still has a photo of him/her and their ex together in the profile? It just pissed me off. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I feel like I have the need to have the same body frame as him so that he won't be feeling weird walking beside a hippo like me. I feel the sense of need to change how I speak, how I dress, just to impress him! That's how stressed I am!

All the images of him embarrassed by the way I look keeps appearing in my mind. I just want to lose as much weight as possible. When I told him the other day that I want to lose weight till I'm 40kg, he said that that's good, that's ok. I was testing him to see if he would say that I shouldn't lose that much.. But he likes it! That was when I felt like I didn't fit to be his gf. That's hw I felt, truthfully. Now, I'm still stuck at 52kg. I want to at least be within the 40s mark.

I seriously feel that everything about me, inside out, is not enough. And there's another thing. I remembered what we wished for. He wished for me to be tall, not short like now.. Only God Almighty can give him that miracle! I don't know what to do. I'm not the most beautiful person he has ever met, neither am I the one who owned the most voluptious figure. I'm just hoping for a miracle. A MIRACLE THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL AT EASE ABOUT WHAT AND WHO I AM NOW.