"I try falling out of love, but falling out of love means falling into someone else, and you were the one I tripped for."

I'm just too fragile that I need to avoid love. But is this a wrong move for me?

Dear God.. I want to be that happy-go-lucky girl again.. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be the victim of a heart breaker. I don't want to get entangled in a complicated love. I don't want to fall in love with anyone rite now. I want to lead a normal life as possible. I want to be that lucky girl who deserves everything good. I want to embrace my singlehood.. Yes!! Embrace that!!

I'm in C math tutorial room now.. The test will be later.. But I can't even think straight. Argh! I'm trying not to think of him but.. Haiz.. I have to try.. Come on Shahirah, you can do it.. Can I avoid this love? The love that I have been avoiding for a year.. Only now that it's unbearable.. Why now? Why?? I'm happy that I'm living my own life.. BUT God, Love is killing me slowly. But if I get rejected, I will be hurt. It's like having a knife stuck in the chest. Gosh.. I so want to be loved but that doesn't mean that I want a serious relationship. I want to take it slow. Let nature takes its course..

I'm becoming insane.. In fact, more insane. It's like being casted on a spell.. Oh.. I just don't want to walk through the garden of love. Walking through it will just kill me bit by bit. I want someone but its up to that someone to make the decision. I just pray silently hoping that my broken heart will be mended by him. Haiz.. Millions of sigh and it will not change things. Millions of tears will not change thoughts. Only the heart will understand what it feels like when love is not accepted.

Is this the price that I have to pay for being head over heels in love with someone? Being stupid, dumb, idiot? In front of someone whom you don't know whether he has feelings for u or not?! What the fuck am I doing? He was looking at you damn it!!

Shit. I don't know how to face this. I don't know why I suddenly get super emotional just now. He was walking right beside me and I pretended not to see him. Shahirah, wake up!! It's a new day!! Start afresh!! Go and have fun! But I am feeling much like a stalker! I feel like I am! Argh!! Gosh.. I don't know why.. Say to yourself, take it slow.. But what if it's fast? Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Control. Control. Control. I felt so loved by him last night. I just can't get it out of my head! It keeps on playing! The smell!! The voice! The stare!! OMG!! This is killing me..

OMG.. I seriously can't forget about it. Everything. Hoping that it will happen again but not too soon!! It will be going fast if it happens today. The atmosphere was just so tender, so erotic, so romantic, so nice. The smell, the touch.. I swear to God it is so difficult to have someone so complete. I'm incomplete. It just hit me. Never once did I ever taste something like this before. I swear to God, I will make his life happy if I have the chance to. Oh, move on Shahirah! He doesn't have feelings for you..

I'm outside the lecture theatre. Supposed to have my elective now.. But I'm just so tired. I'm too tired to think. I just want to rest my mind.. I need something, someone.. OMG.. I'm in a daze right now.. I didn't have enough rest.. Super tired. Only 6 hours of sleep. Did the CS project. I did the scripting at 1+am.. did all but the storyline is too long for our presentation. Then I deleted it by accident. I was so sleepy, I pressed ctrl+S. I can't reverse it. WHAT THE FUCK! I'm so freaking pissed!! I got to do only one story. I just finished 3 other stories just now.. But Dan haven't check it yet.. Haha!! dunno what he will say..

Went to the North yesterday.. It was.. Err.. How should I put it.. Sweet?? Hmm.. Good?? Dunno.. Haha.. I would say you are.. good.. Can't really say much la.. This is a public blog.. Haha.. You know what I mean.. I felt very safe when you wrapped your arms around me.. I do.. Truthfully. Thanks for accompanying me..

Phrase of the day is: FUCKED UP.

Blog again soon.. Ciao peeps..

I had a drama shoot yesterday. The shoot was supposed to start at 3pm. I thought I was late for the shoot, luckily I didn't take a cab to MDIS Unicampus. The school's location is so ULU!! I don't understand why it's there!!!

When I arrived at the set, I didn't see even 1 person that I know. OMFG!! I thought I was left behind. But at least, I saw my primary school friend, Noraini, studying for her exams. So I sat down with her. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone's number except for the producer's.. So I called Huda Ali to ask her where she was.. She was actually waiting for the crew at the dome. So I brought her to where I was sitting.

She called in the assistant director to ask where they were and he replied that both of us are supposed to report at the set at 4pm. FUCK YOU. We were so fucked up. we ended up waiting for them till 5+pm. After the shoot at MDIS, we headed to House of Sundanese Food at Boat Quay for another scene. We finished at around 12+am. I went home at 1am. Cool right? WTH?!

And another thing, we got $3 each to buy our dinner. WHAT TO EAT SIA LIKE THAT?! U GO ASK UR MOTHER TO EAT LA!!! Damn fucked up with the production!! Payment also must wait between 60-90 days.. Sian..

It was a long day today.. Awww.. So tired.. It's been very confusing for me lately.. It's over between me and him.. There's too many things that happened and the evidence is there. I had confessed everything to him. He can't accept the fact.. I know it's so sudden. I don't know how to react. I'm workin things out with him to be in good terms with each other. I'm stuck in between. That's why I let him go. I don't want to hurt him. That's what I wanted. But he sees it otherwise. He's just too distraught. I think it's better to tell him now than telling him later. I want him to take a breather from the hustle and bustle of life. Thinking of what he had said to me weeks ago, I have considered to go on my separate way. I'm hoping that things will be alright between us..

I know what I'm doing and I know, some of you may think that I'm making the wrong move. I will not regret what I'm doing now. I just want that support from all of you.. To my friends who have been there for me and to you, Ary, Thank you for bring there for me when I'm going through the hard times..

I will blog again soon. Ciao.. Nites..

I skipped the last lesson today. I think the whole class did because we have to finish our report by Sunday. Damn this report!! Fuck! Honey wasn't booked out yet, so I joined the guys for company till 9.30pm.

Went to the library with the guys. I had strawberry smoothie on the table, oblivious to the surroundings. I was in the LIBRARY. Rules are set but I'm a rule breaker. Haha!! When the librarian asked me to finish the drink at the cafe or put it at the counter, I was like an ASSHOLE, talking to her while we walk around the library and I was drinking the smoothie, hoping that I would finish the drink!! But I ended up finishing it at the cafe.. Shit..

All the while in the library, I was laughing and laughing and laughing.. The guys really have a bagful of jokes. But all the talks were dirty! Well, it consist of some people like someone trying to be glamorous, about them seeing someone's undies, about voices.. Gosh, if I tell you everything, I will finish typing my blog entry at 4am.

Went to S339. Helped them out with Ubuntu. Hafiz had a HARD time LOGGING IN. It's a pity but funny at the same time because he used the whole row of PCs and all of them didn't work! Haha!! He was so emo juz nw.. I dunno whether I want to laugh or sympathise him. Arry did his but ended up doing the configuration again because he forgotten his password.

He was suppose to go to work at 7pm.. He went off close to 9pm. Such a pity. Wonder if he got scoldings from his manager. Hope his manager will understand the situation. As for HAFIZ, he gets to do it on Monday. Luckily the lecturer gives him another chance. Ashraf, gay and kevin were so hooked with DJ Max on PSP. The game's very engaging but I get bored easily. Haha!! In the lab, while waiting for the configuration to load, Kevin asked Gay to compete with him. But Arry played for Gay. All the while, Kevin thought that it's Gay playing. Haha!! KEVIN LOST BY THE WAY.. Haha.

After the report, we went to the pavement to chat again while the guys smoke. They showed me magic tricks using poker cards. Hafiz's trick didn't work out! WAH, I CAN LAUGH TILL THE NEXT MORNING!! He was so confident about the trick but he TRICKED himself in the end! NOTE TO HAFIZ, please practice more, then you show us ok?

Honey finally arrived at around 9.20pm to fetch me home. When I look at his face, all the negative feelings flew away in the wind. Wonder how he does that.. Hehe.. I really miss him a lot.. I got to express that to him just now.. It felt so good.. It's worth more than money.

I reached home at around 11pm. I'm feeling so shagged right now.. My head keep on thinking of WPDP. Must chop-chop!! But my brain feels like collapsing into a deep sleep. But I want to stay up. Can't make up my mind.. Nvm.. Blog again soon. Ciao People.. Nites.. Muah3..
Somebody said that my honey is so lucky to have me as his gf. Hehe.. Thx dear..

Had school todae.. Damn stressful.. Haiz.. I dunno what to say.. End up staying in school chatting with my girlfriends till 4.30pm at P.608. From people to studies.

I'm disliking some people in the class. I know that people change but it's just too abrupt. Maybe I have to get use to the change? Or shouldn't I?

I find it stupid to have crushes in a relationship. I didn't mean all those things to happen at that time. It's SO wrong! Gosh! Tsk. I better be focusing on Honey and studies. I wanna be loyal to Honey. I have had enough of seeing him suffer because of this. I love him from the bottom of my heart but I had crushes on other guys. Such a fucking unfaithful gerl I am.

But that was way back. Now, I'm simmering down. Moreover, he's in HTA. SO unbearable.. Wanna feel his hug, his kiss.. Aiya.. I'm imagining too much already. Haha!! Eh, I'm not horny OK! Just expressing my love for him!! Haha!!

Ok, I have to go back to work now. Ciao people!!

I got the Mio service pack today.. How happy I am to have my own broadband.. OMG!! Ok.. Cool down Shahirah.. I will be having tests this week. Plus the report on Web Portal Development Project. Damn it!! Still stuck on page 5!! Well, excluding the cover page and content page. I have to submit it by Sunday! Must chop chop!!



Very stressed!! I'm so gonna get paranoid when I see my dark eye circles again.. Hopefully the whitening face mask works.. This is day 2. I need to use it for 5 consecutive days. Then I can see the slight difference.

I watched Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa with Honey at Lido on Saturday after my shooting.

It was funny but I still think that the first one is better. The funny parts are where the monkeys were passing the wrong messages, the penguins trying to be the saviour for them.. What else.. Oh ya!! There's a part where the the giraffe confessed to the hippo about his feelings when the plane was about to crash on land. But the hippo was sleeping! And also, the lion confessed to the zebra that he broke the zebra's iPod when they were apologising to each other. You should watch the movie. These are only the bits of it!! Go watch!!

Now I need to focus on my studies. Gotta get back to work!!! Ciao People!! Gd Nite!!

Project reports due in week 6. Fuck. This is week 5. And I'm here still sitting on a comfortable chair like nothing has happened. Fuck. I have to get back to work!!!

Well, as usual, I miss my bf.. This time, I dunno.. I just miss him so much!! I like to bite his shoulder. Haha!! Like a cunning tiger!!! Arrrrrrr!!! Haha!! Until Sharon called me SM. Aiyo!! I'm not like that la!! It's just that I'm very agressive mah.. Hehe.. Don't think dirty uh...

I'm satisfied now. Tension's gone. Ciao people.

OH.. MY.. GOODNESS.. I two deaths altogether. Rawaidah's dad's death and Namira's GrandDad's death. My head spinning. No Honey beside me. Haiz. So God damn lucky that my friends are here. Moreover, I'm seriously sick. I have a lot of sins. HAHA.. So naughty uh you, Shahirah. Hehe.. I was having Internet Programming at 11am. The freaking lecturer. Her voice. I feel like I have a loud hailer behind my ears. So FUCKING irritating. She's so impatient.

I'm not prepared for this week. It happened so fast. Projects and tonnes of reports. Can't hold on much longer. Need my bed, need my Honey to sleep with me, need comfort. Ciao peeps. I will blog again soon ya. And I finally subscribed to SingNet Broadband. Then I can't give you guys any excuses already for not blogging. Maybe I shall think of another tactic!! Hehe.. =P See ya!!